I thought I was able to wait a full year, leaving this part of the blog completely untouched, thinking I no longer had to update it anymore. But I was wrong. I was afraid I would injure myself too much and think too irrationally, so I decided to take this up once again. My hands already hurt.
For the record, it's not about you. But you were the cause from the time when we first got together. You put in my head that love would be pure, and that you'd be committed to me. I wouldn't have had to worry. Oh but I was wrong; you and I were so naive.
But it's not about that. I'm just talking about how that mindset is what carried me over to the present time. *Sigh* From the past, I have improved a lot. I do believe that. It's hard to say, when he didn't know me back then. I was terrible, selfish, and made the worst mistake ever. So after all those counseling sessions, I have grown to finally accept those things. But of course, when a mistake accidentally happens, you can't help but re-live that moment from that time again.
Love is not perfect, it's what you make it to be. I'm disappointed in myself thinking it could be perfect, but I had been lying to myself. I was, and am still pretty naive. But isn't it human nature to feel like this? You said it is. So why put it in a worse light than it actually is?
I tried so hard to be the person you would want, and I was very happy. But I can't deny this part of me isn't going to be 100% gone; it'll always be a part of me. It just depends how much it bothers me, and how I can handle it better.
Can I be selfish one more time? I'll only say it here, because you'll never have to see it. I'll never have to tell you.
I wished you were perfect; I wished you devoted all your eyes to me. I wished I didn't have to have those worries/doubts when you're not around, because my fears creep back up. I know I'm aware that I need to admit these things, but they are selfish and unfair. It's only human nature, isn't it? But I can only wish.
I don't know if it's just tonight I will feel like this. You asked me if I lost trust in you. And I said no. However, at the moment, I can't say I didn't lose all trust. I lost some. And now it'll forever stick with me (if I let it) whenever we're about to become intimate. I won't be thinking it's me; I might think it's her. And whoever else is on this list.
I fucking get it, okay? I get that it's normal, that it's human nature. But why you have to be like this? Why are most of them like this? It's almost science that we'll never understand. I'll always think that for a long, long time.
I can't even believe right now that I had to resort to this to calm down; getting a little high wasn't enough. I'm just going to admit, DESPITE how devoted you are, I hate that part of you, and now we have to learn to live with that. I hate how you reminded me of him; one negative thing paints a picture of who I am? Are you kidding me? I'm so disappointed in you, and I'm so disappointed in myself.
I know I'm better than this, but at this point, ALL OF YOU are just testing me.
How do you expect me to love myself, when you do this to me? Why did you do this to me? I don't like this part of you and me.
But you'll never see this. Ever. It'll just be a marking stone for what happened today. I'm still hurt. I hate how hurt I feel, so thanks for that. And I'm terrible for even saying that. I'm too hurt.
And you guys are too prideful. You too are just as equally terrible. FUCKING. TERRIBLE.
Well that's enough negativity for one day. I just admitted and said all the worst possible things that makes me crazy. I wished you guys didn't unleash that.
I wished you guys appreciated me more.
I don't think you did.
Mahgii @ 12:22 AM - 04.20.20
I'm Happy Now
It's been almost 2 months since the last update. I don't even know if you ever look at this, but I feel it's right to tell you here.
Whether you did or not, you no longer have to worry about me. A lot has happened in June, and I found someone who cares about me. :) I'm finally happy again.
This will probably be the last post regarding any of this. And I hope... you have a great life too. Maybe one day, we'll cross paths again, and we'll smile at each other and be happy with our new paths.
Mahgii @ 9:07 AM - 07.17.19
Happy One Year, Bookstore Guy
I thought I'd make it more specific this time, calling your name out. I needed to write this down while I'm still a little buzzed, let myself feel a little more today.
Anyway, hey. Happy one year since the last time I talked to you. The last time I kissed you. I wished you actually kissed my lips back, but all I could get was your cheek.
Can I ask you something? I remember at the time, I wanted to give us "closure" by getting us an apple and a banana. That's how we started off, do you remember that? I didn't get the chance to actually buy the fruits, but I remember voicing it to you, and you told me you didn't want to "cap" this.
Is it wrong of me to still hang onto this slight hope, that one day, you'd turn back around and say, "Hey, I'm back and I'm ready this time"? I just... can't get over you.
Isn't it funny how also today... I had another heartbreaking dream about you again.
I dreamt that I was on some tour or some place hanging with the girls. Somehow, we ran into you and "her" but you acted like you didn't know us. But then do you know what happens after? You suddenly appeared in front of me, get down on one knee, and say to me, "This isn't a ring, but a candle to renew our love; a new relationship."
You have no idea how happy I was, I was practically crying in tears, since I would never expect of you to do that.
We blew on this candle together, and then my friends cheered for me.
Then you explained to me the new girl, and said she's a younger girl and would go for guys her age or closer to her age.
We continued this tour together, along with my friends, and saw some really weird painted fishes.
In the dream it was also indeed the 25th, because in the midst of that event, I remember hugging my BFF and telling her happy birthday, and that I was sorry that I almost forgot. She understood and was happy for me as well.
The interesting part was that this event, along with her birthday, took place on a Sunday instead.
Then I woke up at 7 AM today... and I said to no one: "I did not want to wake up. Why did I wake up?"
Then I also realized it was Saturday. I'd like to think that somewhere in another universe, we really did get back together.
Happy one year anniversary. I miss you.
Mahgii @ 8:22 PM - 05.25.19
Can I Wait?
I haven't told anyone about this yet, but maybe that's what I'll do until I get full closure.
I had another dream about you again this morning, except I can't remember what it was about. It didn't make me sad, this time.
Is this something we can start over on? Are you completely over me? Do you miss me..?
I hate this. I wish you'd give me a sign.
I guess it's true, they say you can never fully get over your first love.
Mahgii @ 4:26 PM - 04.22.19
What if I said I'd wait for you?
Mahgii @ 7:36 AM - 04.19.19
One Year Passed
Give me a sign, dammit.
Mahgii @ 1:37 PM - 04.17.19
I Hope You're Happy
It's been two months since that last update. I told myself I'd give myself two months, after finding out about your possible new girl, to move on. From that last update, I literally said that I would take it as a sign that you would no longer come back.
I believe that.
But how come I still have dreams about you? Today is the 2nd time this week (I lost count how many I had before already.)
How are you moving on? How are you doing this so quickly? Do you not think about me? I am so angry, sometimes. Whenever I have days where I'm happy with where my life is going, I suddenly start having dreams about you again...
And then it just simply fucks up my mind that morning. For the rest of the day.
Do you not have dreams about me? At all? Were you so eager to leave what we had? How dare you... you are happy... without me.
I don't know how to move on. How are you doing this so quickly... why can't you reach out to me? Is it her? Are you happy with her?
I just don't understand.
Mahgii @ 1:37 PM - 03.20.19
I had a dream about you this morning. I'm not sure how many we're at now, hard to say nor did I wanna keep track of it.
I dreamt we were alone, and you eventually left. I was crying, and it was raining. I was yelling for you, asking you to come back, and if I had tried a little harder, would you have turned back around.
You were nowhere to be seen, and I was still standing in the rain, half naked. You were gone. You are gone.
Mahgii @ 8:44 AM - 01.24.19
And Life Goes On
So... you moved on, haven't you? I didn't once hear from you, but you seem happy now. That's good, I guess. I guess for me it's a slower progression. But now, I'll take this as a sign you will no longer come back. That's it.
Then... I'll move on too. It'll be my turn to be happy; my turn to be selfish. I can't keep waiting anymore, and just tackle my dreams.
I guess it was never possible, after all.
Mahgii @ 3:03 PM - 01.22.19
Happy New Year
Hey, happy new year. How are you doing? I just came back from two NYE events with old and new friends.
One thing I wanted to point out was that... I literally became everything you wanted me to be. Not for you, but for me. For my own discoveries, my own explorations, my new beginnings.
That's what you taught me when you decided to make that choice. How much have you changed, as well?
I've met such a huge number of new friends, rebonded with old friends... it has taught me so much. I've learned to be myself more, don't hesitate, and just have fun.
Everything you wanted me to become, I naturally became that. I haven't been this consecutively happy in a long time.
Why do I feel so empty afterwards? I've lost count of how many events I've been to now, but every time after the fun is over, I go home and it's just. Silence. Such as now, it's 2 in the morning on New Year's, and I found myself writing this up the moment I came back home.
I know my old and new friends really like me now, and I like them too. I've become a happier and nicer person...
But what happens when the fun is over, after I go home?
I know this is what people tell me. I shouldn't go out so much, because in the end, other than the quality time and the bonding, they're also just distractions.
I've realized this only just recently, and I should be by myself more. Accept the truth, accept our fate... and embrace it. I had been going about this all wrong, but at the same time, my friends have shaped me into a better person, as well as my family. We're all adults now, and we can only keep growing from here.
I just wish I didn't feel this lonely every time I come home. I... should hike more, I guess. Stare at my phone less. Let life come to me.
I don't even know if you try to check up on me, or even remotely think about me as much as I think about you.
There are days I miss you, and there are also days I despise you. Deep down, I still care, because you were my first true love. (Heh, guess I'm finally revealing more of my feelings now, eh?)
Our chapter ended after those 8 long years. Soon, it'll be one year since then.
I admit, I still am waiting. I don't know if you even think about me, and I don't know if I should hope for it. Even then, I'm not sure what to do myself. I don't really know what I want, still. But what I do know is that I am enjoying life more full now...
My only issue is that feeling when I go home. I feel lonely.
I am lonely.
Mahgii @ 2:37 AM - 01.01.19
I'm so happy. I am so happy. Thank you. <3
Mahgii @ 4:16 PM - 12.20.18
Hey again, it's been two months since my last update. Weird how I keep landing on the 19th, it's not even intentional.
How have you been? I need to cut back on my spending, especially for the holidays. It's been a little crazy, and I've been going out a lot and bonding with friends. It's almost Christmas after all.
I don't know if it's the same for you, but I still have a hard time getting back into anime or games. It has been awhile honestly. I don't even know if you think about this as much as I do, but I've been told numerous times I should move on. I told myself that I'll completely move on after April. After that one year. What do you think about that? Will you be okay with that?
I also don't even know if you check this site to be honest lol. I don't know what I'm expecting, if anything at all. I have been a lot happier, that's for sure, but there are days where I feel a little empty.
This usually happens when I come home.
That's why I need to go out as much as I can, as much as it hurts my wallet. I usually have to be around people, my friends.
If I still don't hear from you in the next couple of months, I'll take that as a sign that we'll be okay without each other.
I hope you're doing good too. I somewhat regret typing this entry, but whatever. You only live once, yo!
Mahgii @ 3:52 PM - 12.19.18
Hey There, Welcome Back
It's been exactly 4 months since my last update. How are you? How are you doing? Yes, you. =) I just wanted to let you know, I'm doing great. I've met a lot of new people in my life during this course of my life, and I've grown a lot as a person. I've developed new habits, taught myself new skills/hobbies... it's been good.
3 days ago, I discovered my "happy place," and I'll definitely be visiting that place back soon. It's a place I would go if I wanted to think, see the lights at night, see the sunset, etc... and it's so close by.
But how have you been? What have you been doing? Are you accomplishing new things in life? Learned new skills, met new faces? Have you re-bonded with your friends? Are you guys better friends now?
I've gone out a lot recently, went out to eat, became a better friend to everyone in my circle... I've been a lot happier. :)
I hope you have been too.
Mahgii @ 10:19 AM - 10.19.18
It's Been Awhile (Yet Again)
I didn't realize how much time has passed since then. So many changes, so many differences. It's been over 2 years already..? Wow. Today I realized something, although it should have been obvious. In this world, there is only so much people you can put your trust in. There are those who are willing to support you and believe in you, and there are those who hears only bits and pieces of you and suddenly paints an entire picture of you.
And then you run into a conflict. Are these people worth keeping in your life? Do you need this negativity?
The answer is, it depends. Sometimes, you just have to wait until they believe in you. Sometimes, both parties have to grow up a little. There is still so much more in life.
In general, I've been a lot happier. But then I'll have sad days, or even disappointed days. But who is to blame? The victim? The supporters? The one who hurt you? The new people?
I've learned today that you can't trust every person you meet. You can't act the same with every person you meet. Well of course, I knew that. I know that. But if I trusted you in the beginning, that means I was able to let go a little and talk to you.
But when you don't believe what I say, or you painted a picture of me in your head that's not actually me, AND not taking the time to reach out and ask me questions rather than criticize me, then I can only end up feeling disappointed.
I trusted you, I trusted you'd support me. But I will not eject you from my life, because I still care. I almost love you like how I love my family. One day, maybe we can get a better understanding of each other and eventually not crumble.
We all have our differences, preferences, changes, etc. But I understood where you were coming from. I have a lot to learn still, and so do you. In fact, no one ever stops learning.
So for future advice, for anyone who's reading this, learn the full story first. Don't jump to conclusions. Stop and listen. Grow a little. Love a little.
Mahgii @ 3:02 PM - 06.19.18
A Revived Blog..?
Hi all. It's 2016. The fact that this section hasn't been updated for over 3 years means I really want to blog about something. It's pretty much life in general, and it's probably a little negative; a little realistic. So here we go.
After entering the "more" real world since 2013, I started to realize a couple things, and it surely stood out so far in 2016. Trust issues. I can't seem to stress that enough, but people are so prone to trust issues. It happens in your personal life as well as your work life. The more you grow up, the more responsibilities people put on you. And here's the catch: You're doing an awesome job? Great! Now you're going to keep getting relied on for the same thing, probably a thing you hated doing in the first place but obligated to do it. In other words, people will take advantage of it because you've already done it! Being too kind to others? Great! They'll use that as an advantage because they can! Because you won't get mad at them! And even when you do call it out, they'll only temporarily change until you're open to doing what they ask for again, because they know you won't stay mad or angry for long!
That my friends, is called life. I used to think it's pessimism growing up, but no, it's not. It's realism. This is the real world, and it sure is a sad one. We start to lose trust in each other easier than ever everyday, because the other person can't get what they want from you, so then you end up working harder. But in the end, you're the one who's taking all the damage; all the blame. And the worst part? You can't avoid it.
I miss being a kid again. Kids have it easier; oblivious to the real world. They can rely on their parents and/or guardians and not have to worry about a thing in the world. Because as a kid, you automatically "trust" the closest adult next to you to take care of you. But like I said, as you grow up, you have to rely more and more on yourself. And when you learn to try to "trust" others, you uncover the truth behind their masks and that you can only trust yourself.
As far as I know, plenty of people get used everyday and not even realize it. It's only when it becomes overwhelming that they start to notice things like, "Hey, why am I wasting so much of my time and effort on this?" I wish it was that easy to let go... Sometimes, I wish I can move away somewhere far and tell no one about it.
Maybe then, I'll rightfully get acknowledged.
Mahgii @ 4:09 PM - 05.16.16
Welcome to My New Domain!
I have finally moved everything from my free subdomain account to this wings-x.net domain! Hurray! I bought this domain during my school year in January, when it was the start of my winter quarter of 2013. So now that the quarter ended, I deleted the minor things and have officially moved here. :) The reason why I bought this domain during the quarter was because it was for my Web II class. Everything also went well in this class, as I have received an A. Yay me!
Also, I have finally updated links and small contents. Everything should work and make more sense now. If you guys ever catch something not loading right, please contact me right away. Thank you and have a nice day.
Mahgii @ 2:16 AM - 03.28.13
Website Mostly Done
Hello guys! The website is mostly done, just need to still possibly add a picture or two. Also, the Blog Archives will be completely renewed. Old archives from the XOXO website will not be transferred, but saved for my own personal references. It will not be accessed here. Anyway, thanks for viewing my main website WingsX! :)